Money and Relationships: What’s all the Fighting About?

Countless studies have shown that the number one stressor in marriage is money. In fact research has shown that money fights are the second leading cause of divorce – right behind infidelity.

Not surprisingly, it’s also one of the hardest topics for people to talk about. As a financial advisor and certified divorce financial analyst, it makes sense to me. I see how emotional people are around money. The way we think about it, talk about it and manage it has a lot to do with how we were raised, and what role it has played in our lives.

A lot of couple don’t discuss money because it’s uncomfortable – probably because, for various reasons there might be shame attached. If you’ve made financial mistakes, carry debt or make less money than your partner, it can be a difficult discussion. It also goes back to childhood and how your parents discussed money. But the fact is that money plays a big part in many aspects of our lives – where we live, the cars we drive, vacations we go on, how many kids we want, the jobs we take and when we retire. It’s funny then that while so many couples talk about their goals and dreams, they do so without bringing up the topic of money until well after they are married or living together.

Lots of couples are scared to talk about money because they don’t want to rock the boat or enter into an uncomfortable situation. But the longer you leave it, the harder it gets – especially if you have very different viewpoints. It’s also really important for both parties to have an understanding of where their finances are. Even if one person takes care of things, the other should take an active role in knowing how much money is coming in, expenses and investments as well as any outstanding debts. When only one person has the responsibility, they ultimately have the power to make all the decisions. This results in an in-balance of power in the relationship, which is never good.

If you don’t know how to talk about money with your partner, here are a few ideas to help you get started.

First off, don’t dive right into a “money talk” that’s all about spreadsheets and budgets and paying your bills – that can quickly turn into a very stressful interaction. Instead, start with a broader conversation about your goals, hopes and dreams. Sit down and talk about your values and what your future plans are when it comes to money. Do you want to buy a house? What type of lifestyle do you want to live? This will open up broader conversations about money and also help you see if you are on the same page when it comes to short-term and long-term financial goals around saving, spending, budgeting and reducing debt.

Another key to making it a positive discussion is to take a step back and really try to understand your partner’s point of view. There is no right or wrong, because everyone has their own set of dreams, fears and values. If you commit to really listening to your partner, you’ll be able to work together to come to a middle ground that suits you both. It’s also good to agree to an agenda for your discussion. Pick one topic to focus on at a time. This will make the conversation a lot less overwhelming. For example, do you both want to save for a home? How do you plan to do that? What is the timeline? What will you need to give up in order to make it happen? In other words, focus on a shared goal and then figure out how to work toward it together.

If you choose to work with a financial advisor, interview a few together to ensure you’re both comfortable with their approach. They should have some great tools to help you clarify your goals. Like me, some advisors utilize coaches who can work with couples that need additional guidance in order to get on the same page. The important thing is that you begin talking about it.

To help get you started, download this free discussion guide and for a broader discussion on this topic, listen to my podcast.

Mark Shimkovitz is a financial advisor with Raymond James Ltd. The views of the author do not necessarily reflect those of Raymond James. This article is for information only. Raymond James Ltd. is a member of Canadian Investor Protection Fund.